If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
