does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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