lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
