Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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