I am puke
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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