i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
