I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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