I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
