Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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