My sheets look like a crime scene.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
