what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
