That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize