I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
