end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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