I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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