I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
