just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
