you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
