Hey man sorry I got all grabby
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
