I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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