The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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