somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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