My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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