Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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