Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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