Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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