i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Sober January is a disaster.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
