It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Randomize