I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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