I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
