There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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