and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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