if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
