dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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