He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
