do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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