he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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