Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
