my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
