I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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