I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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