This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He passed out mid-signature
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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