i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
