I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize