she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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