meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
