...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I touched a dick in church today
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
