we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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