Moan for me like Helen Keller
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
