I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
