he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
porn star boner night. come get it.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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