worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
