youre lurking in front of me
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
