her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize
