I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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