If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
