I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
