We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
