Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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