He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
