p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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