I've blown a few things in my day
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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