Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
