i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
