i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
