90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
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