fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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