He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
