using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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