i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize